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Sep. 8th, 2014


The Struggle is Real!!

I returned to NY State with family and got into a Hotel. From 3 months in we went from struggling in the car to finally getting an apartment. I actually got my job back when I came back up there. Before I even made the move upstate, I got a call after the weekend I applied the application. The more I was in a severe struggle, the lesser problems at work I seem to have for some odd reason. Now that I'm in a got damn apartment, New problems are coming in. I need go back to college as soon as possible. $8.00 an hour for every employee mean that my hours for work went down, so that only means that I can do school as long as it doesn't kill me. Hoping for the best next year, because this year right now looks a little stale.

Mar. 21st, 2014


Now I want to move back upstate!!!

With the BS I'm dealing, my mom hasn't changed at all. This is like almost the 3rd time I'm down here, but it was worth it. No job in 1 whole year and the deal with money has to be resloved. I want my life back. For godsake, let a miracle happen please.

Sep. 8th, 2013


There's nothing here!!

I want to go back upstate. I had enough of the shit that I going through right now. This is what I got for coming to the south: Peace and a lot of laid back, very friendly people. What I had upstate: A JOB, and an apartment that had pretty much everything, gas/stove, and I had a bed(Yeah I had a bed, now I have an air bed that I still have for the last 5 months). Why am I fucking still here for. I do blame myself for coming down here, but it's my MOMS fucking fault for this shit happening. She came up with the idea, I got pissed off with a solid rejection in my mind. You know what's so fucked up about it? It's the fact that she did it so she can rely on my Grandmother for support, that is some fucked up bullshit, and it's no wonder why I'm still around her. She been leaching off of me for the past 5 fucking years, no job and she complains about shit when she had a high paying job as if that's not enough. My familys' so fucked up and it's a shame that in order for me to get clear away from that I have to leave behind just about all the stuff I have in order to get to find out what my life leads to in this situation. I could of already had my college degree, but I have to pay what I owe from them in order to get back in and that's my mom's fault as well. I going to have to man up and take this responsibiliy to fix this shit so that I can go back to college and make sure it stays that way. I really want what I had back. There's nothing here for me right now and this shit has got to change. Please, you have to get your ass back up state. Whatever it takes, I want to get my life fixed and I want it fixed now.

May. 15th, 2013


Something I learned but known a long time ago

Man made the mistake of giving themselves to the opposite sex for certain things, when in truth a man suppose to be strong not weak. Man putting their you know what inside what a woman has suppose to feel good is a mistake. And for something like that to happen in a certain way and the man likes it, to a women eyes, and her mind, that man is responsible for what has happen to him. That's when the mind games start from there. Defeat is being stressed out and weak; no power in the person. The same thing can happen to a female and that is the fucked up truth. I come to find out what a person likes is what makes them weak and it sucks to hear that shit, but if a man likes a female becase of her assets, looks and whatever special she has, only means a man more likely to be defeated one way or another when it comes to sex. It reduces the man to near what a special needs person is. I hate having to put this up here but it is the solid truth. And I'm sick and tired of going through the bullshit of this. Being in full power and full control is what you need to be in life in order to get the necessary things in life.

I know for a fact that someone of the oposite sex was to offer me a some sort of contract(relationship terms), I would just walk away from it because it's just not going to work out in my case. Mainly because of status that I am in. More security and power means that I can get away with actually doing something about most of my problems the only thing that seems to be clear now. For someone to tell me it's not, they're not supporting what I say, therefore I will not trust them.

Ok, I'm going to sum this up in a nutshell, when I was a kid I didn't know the meaning of responsibility, I was just living my life  as a kid who didn't much of anything. There were some crushes with the opposite sex I had, but in the end they were nothing but obsessions, a mistake. Shit has happen that shouldn't of happen, but it's already too late. I put myself resonsible for most of the shit that I put myself into, no excuses, no bullshit. I understand it clearly now these people I have crossed me in my life the wrong way are nothing but pitiful losers.

One person to I believe fuck up that life I had more was my stepfather, but I understand what it is. she should of chose better. When he left on senoir year in high school, everything changed, the depression I had was gone and when I can back home(New York) I felt even stronger.

All I know is, I hunger for a higher place in life. Next year I'm going back to college to fix what has been done. My mom put me in this situation, now I must get out of it. I must stay strong.

Oct. 12th, 2012


Note to self

Just letting myself know to keep your keep head up high and stay positive in yourself and life. Keep working out and living a healthy lifestyle.

Jul. 17th, 2009


Yesterday was something.

At this point, I'm not going to stop working out. I'm going to keep on going. I think I will tell what happens later on. When I get enough sleep.

Mar. 9th, 2009


It's been a long long time.

I haven't updated in a while now. I'm in college, but it's not my second semester. I wasn't able to finish my semester in fall 08 because I've been having some issues with other things. Since I been back in college, I've been working out more than I usually do and I tend to feel good about it. I've been unemployed for 3 months and I got my same job back. I'm good now, but I still have some problems in my life. My father who has never been there for me my whole life is someone I don't want to see. I blame him for all the problems I had to deal with. The bullying, the fact that I didn't have too many friends, the rejections I got and all of the fucking shit that I wish never happened to me. It's Pathetic that I had that shit happen to me, but I must forget all of that and move on. I just need to be 100% happy but I'm not. I was actually thinking about seeing someone, but with my friend problems with some of the women he's dealing with, I don't think that's going to happen now. Besides, I have to have a future for myself. A very good future.

Apr. 8th, 2008


Time to make a change.

 I started my diet on April 1'st of this year. So far, i have not touched a soda, which is very good. I have too much soda lately that it's affecting my brain a little. Since I've been on the diet, I've lost about almost 5 pounds. I must keep this up until my body fat from my stomach is just about gone. I've been wanting a six pack for so long and now I'm working out. I actually started that 3 weeks ago and I'm looking better. Yesterday I was able to lift a 40 pound bag of soil with ease. Tonight I going to get more serious with it. My Goal to a better body has begun and the results so far look really good..

Feb. 6th, 2008


The Cold Sucks.

 Last Tuesday, an unexpected cold hit me. Today the cold seems to be finally gone. After that whole week. I actually lost about 5 pounds and now I regain it for some wierd reason. I haven't worked since I gotten better. I work till 12:00 AM tomorrow and I heard it was going to snow in the morning.

Dec. 31st, 2007


My two faced weekend.

Ok, it's been awhile, but this will be my last entry for 2007. I was surprised that I had a good day at work on Saturday, but Sunday was just a complete piss off. I was the only one to work outside and it was busy that day. We were going to have snow on that night and that's the reason why it was so busy. I started working at 10:00 am. I didn't get my lunch till 3:00 pm. After that day, I was tired as hell. The good thing is I off till Saturday. Other than that, there was some stuff that happened yesterday, but I don't want to talk about it. So Happy New Year to all and I plan not to drink at all. It may happen in the future, but I don't know what will become of me in the future.

Aug. 23rd, 2007


My Problem have gotten worse.

Last night  at work I felt a litte better after my b-day. I had to stay till 10:00pm because there was nobody else doing those cart but me. Then after my shift, I had to buy soda, cat food, and some bread. During my ride home, my mom told me that she almost got into a accident on the way to pick me. It seem like some dumb ass could not see the lines on the ground because it was foggy and he came close to hitting my mom with my young brother in the car. She had to turn out of the way to prevent collision. Other than that, she told me that she could not get off for next week because her boss would not allow it. Here's where the problem starts, I have to begin college on that following week. My mom said I have 2 options, 1; wait till January to start college. No way in hell am I accepting that option. Option 2, tell my instructors about my problem and let them know. I have to do that then, but I'm afraid that there may be another problem from that issue. It's worth a try though and it hope it goes through. well, wish me luck.

Aug. 21st, 2007

Goku, Vegeta


I was hoping to go out tonight. I ended up not going out at all. I was thinking of going to go to the movies, but I don't want to waste my money on that. I'll go online shopping  with the money I have left. I got some advice for you who's reading this. DO NOT DEPEND ON PEOPLE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR BIRTHDAY. Take me for example, I didn't go out tonight for my birthday because a certain person did not call me to tell me that it was cancelled. For that shit my other plans for tonight were fucked up and I got nothing out of it. I have Friday coming up, so I can go to the mall, but I dought that will happen. FUCKING A, I hate my birthday. For 5 fucking years straight my birthday has been nothing but shit. All I get is cake, a card and that's it. It's always something that gets in the way for my birthday. Even the little shit. I hope going to college next week is a whole lot better than this crap.

Jul. 24th, 2007


He's gone.

 I found out out that my Uncle passed away an hour ago. I'm not in the best of moods right now. I'm seriously dissapointed. Yesterday in the afternoon I was told that he was ok and all, but he was still in critical care. Now, I find this shit out. Rest in peace uncle, you didn't deserve this, but I have to accept his fate. There's nothing I can do to change this, but all I can say is goodbye uncle. You will greatly be missed. 

Jul. 23rd, 2007


I can't fucking believe this Shit, but I wont lose hope.

After this whole weekend, my uncle has ammonia in BOTH LUNGS. Not only that, but one of them collaspe, ending up with him losing a pulse once so far. From what I saw when I first laid eyes on him in the hopistal, I wasn't too happy. Things look bad, but I'm not going to worry because I believe he can get through with this. I KNOW HE CAN. All I have to do is wait and hope for the best. For god sake, DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME. Hold the fuck on and get through this. I just hope things go well.

Jul. 18th, 2007


One of my days off.

I was off today and I decided to go and find me a comb pick. To my disappoinrment, I couldn't find one. Instead, I got a skull printed Du rag and I also got a Ice tea from the store. I wanted to take 10 dollars out  to have for tomorrow. I took a quick stop at the bakery and went home. nothing else happened today, but something might tomorrow.

Jul. 10th, 2007


The past 2 days were a little Nerve Recking.

The last 2 day I had to wait for a fucking Cab. Sunday was a whopping 1 hour and 25 minutes. Monday was about almost an half hour. Damn Jews, They're the reason why I'm not getting a cab. I've seen most of them walking in the sidewalks and around my job. Dealing with them is a pain, but I got to admit, some of the female jews look kind of cute. They would look a lot more better if they were wearing normal clothes like we  wear. Other than that, my schedule was fucked up. I'm not suppose to work on Sat, instead they got me off for TODAY. I'm calling out on that Sat. I blame them for my loss of money for this week. I'm set for tomorrow, I hope everything goes well tomorrow.

Jul. 5th, 2007


These People are sooooooo Retarted!!!!!(Excuse me, I'm pissed)

Some of the costumers at my job are really stupid. Actually, the Jewish are. They put most of the items that they don't want no more in the wrong places. I don't want to say what else they do. They're also dangerous when dealing with them on the road. Someone could get killed by them. Summer has really begun at where I'm living at. I feel so alone without a companion. As long as I don't think about it, I'm good. I hope I enjoy the Transformers movie that I'm going to see tomorrow. I heard it was about 3 hours long.

Jun. 19th, 2007


I stand corrected!!

About my friend that got fired, he did say something. There were 2 that witnessed it. Pretty much what happened is that The old lady was asking for a shopping cart and they weren't even that far. So he told her to go fucking get it yourself. He lied about it I guess, but I have to give it to him. He said the shit without hesitation. Today at work was something else. Almost everyone mad fun of . . . . . . well it's the guy that got fired that was made fun of. Oh and before that, The mateince guy told me something funny as hell. The new cart guy that was doing his job, hit an old lady and knock her and the cart down. I wasn't there but that shit was funny when he told me. OMG, he also told me that the husband was yelling at our boss about it and they had to call an ambulance to get her up. Holy shit, I was laughing my ass off so hard. Other than that, I had a good day today.

Jun. 18th, 2007

Goku, Vegeta

Something happened this past weekend.

Um . . . . . . one of my co-workers/friends was fired this past weekend. Well, it wasn't my best friend, but it was the person who complain a lot about his hours, working there, and how he was going to quit soon. He ended up getting fired by the boss for something that he didn't do. He was complaining after that. He pretty much told almost everybody about it. Most of the females up in at my job didn't like him period. They thought he was a creep. I'm cool with him, but the problem was he complained a lot about some shit. He needs to stop, seriously. He said he was going to quit and he was tired of it. Why the fucking hell is he complaining about it. Even if he don't find another job, he can still get unemployment. Well, I cant do shit about it, I wasn't a witness so, sorry. He could of been lying about it too, but I'm not really sure. Well, his termination lead a door open for me, a door that lead to mo money. As of yesterday, my hours for Saturday has changed. I no longer work from 1 pm to 6 pm, I now work 10 am to 6 pm. Today, I have gain more hours for the taking. I'm now working on Wednesday from 3:30 pm till 10:00 pm and Thursday with the same hours as Wednesday. This week I work up to a total of about 33 hours, which is nice for me. I'll soon pay off the 75.00 deposit for my spot in college, sweet. I hope to god something special happens to me in college. Something that will be memorible. I also working my way into getting some gear this summer. If I decide to get a second job, then I'm going to shop online as much as I want. I know how to spend my money the right way, so I'll be good. And for some reason I've been taking a shower every day now. It's wierd, but I'm going to keep doing it.

Jun. 1st, 2007


Oh my god, this is sick!

Today was a day that I didn't expect anything bad to happen. I was going to shave and do other stuff, but my young brother caught the stomach virus. I hate it because of the fact that he is in the house the whole day and I can't go nowhere period. My mom decided to take a half a day from work and come back early. good thing is that he's starting to get better. As of right now, I have to brush up on some math skills in fractions. I have 2 placement tests for english and math at the college tomorrow. Then I set up the schedule for my classes and I go to work. I'm going to be at work late because of the fact that I work a 8 hour shift, but now it's going to be 5 hours. I had to do that because I seriously need to get that done, then I will be prepared.

Update for 6/18/07

I forgot to mention I had to cancel the testing  for college because my brother didn't get better yet.

May. 21st, 2007


Running on a low budget.

I'm running low on moola because I have to save like $35 for this week to add more money to it so it can add up to $75. That will be how much I pay for a deposit to claim my spot for college fall 2007 of this year. I almost reached my goal on completing all of the stuff I need to do to start off college. Other than that subject, I had brought a present 2 weeks ago which is now Michelle's birthday present, she was very happy to get it. Kaylee, I'll have your present on Saturday because of my low budget thing, it's gonna be late, but you'll get one. Crystal's Birthday is this month as well, but I don't know what day it is, shoot. If I knew, I would get her a present as well. I'm planning to get a flash drive soon. There are some on sale this week. That will do me some good with storing my files. I gonna have to get some rest tonight, tomorrow is going to be a busy afternoon at work for me.

May. 19th, 2007


Old Farts!

Yeah, this old Lady had to be a mean bitch to me when I accidently left her bag on the floor to help another costumer. She thought I left for no reason, but I didn't. When they get to that age, they forgot a lot of shit, but not every elder is like that, so I shoved it off. During my last break I ended up giving up one of my candy bars to my co-worker out of the kindness of my heart. She hugged me for it. I found a new thing about hugs. You actually feel a little warm and fuzzy inside which is weird.

May. 16th, 2007


Yesterday was something else.

I had to go see the doctor Today. I had an appointment that went for almost 2 hours I believe. Luckly, I didn't have to wait in line. I happen to get one shot and I had a choice to take it. It was the vaccine for Menegitis. The shot didn't hurt at all, it felt good, lol, the nurse was laughing after I told her that. My arm was relaxed when I took it and I didn't feel no sting at all. All I felt was the cold vaccine go in my arm. She let me know that it was going to get sore later. It happen to be sore right now.

As for work, it was good and everything. I talk to my Co-worker Crystal while I was working and she gave me the bad news that she was leaving this week. When she was leaving, she gave Ricky a hug and she turn to look at me and she said, Give me a hug sexy boy, I gave her the hug, but I really didn't expect that. I didn't have dinner at all tonight, but it was humid for the rest of the night.

Today I felt empty inside.

I felt like I had no purpose in life What so ever. I think the reason were because of the fact that it was kind of humid and I had a headace that did not seem to go away. I took some Aleve and I'm feeling better now. For now, I just want to right this entry. I haven't done it so often. It seems my friend is going to take some driving lesson with his teacher. I hope to god that the teacher he has isn't crazy. The last one he told me about was. I'm going to have to start learning to drive soon because hoodlum season is bound to happen soon and I really don't want to counter any problems with those people.

May. 11th, 2007


My Free Ride, uh I mean rides

Before I go on to what happened this week I did see spider-man and it was awesome. They did a hell of a job with the special effects for Venom. I've got a feeling that he will be in the next movie. Ok now I will go on to This week. This week has gotten me some free rides after I worked this week. I so far worked on Sun, Tues, and Wednesday night out off all those nights I went home, I've gotten free rides, except for one. Sunday night, one of my co-workers drove me home. Tuesday I got a free cab ride home, Wednesday however, I didn't. I had to pay full car fare. My mom took my second coming free ride Today. She told me that she would have to give me the fare for it so I wont have to pay. Other than the free rides, Today and went out for a walk to Shoprite and Walmart. I wore my Mark Ecco T-shirt, which has a face on it and so far 2 people have told me that I looked like the guy on my T-shirt, that was weird. I got home after 2:00 and it's been awhile since I did that. I knew this because the kids that go to high school are going home and I seen a lot of them. I don't think they even knew how old I am. They would probably flip out if I told them. There are 2 birthdays that are coming very shortly and I'm not very sure If I should get them something. One of them is a manager of mine and the other is a certain person that is talking to me. I gave my best friend his present for his birthday last week and he liked it. I'm not sure about these two. If I do and I don't get a present from them, My mom may ask me about it and she would be arguing about the fact that I didn't get anything from them. I'm not really like that. It's just that I hate it when my mom tells me something I don't want to really hear, like in my past I had a friend that I invited over to my house and I didn't ask him about going to his place yet my mom complain about how I didn't get invited to his place and it seems like he's not my friend. I'm a nice guy, that's why. Everybody is not like me. I not fucking selfish. It happens sometimes, but not all the time. I heard a saying that nice guys finish last, fuck that. If a girl pick the bad boy over the nice guy, then she gonna get nothing but pain at the end, sometimes it's not like that. I'm gonna just end this entry now because I need to think about these 2 birthday's that are coming up.

Apr. 29th, 2007


The chance came, then something happened.

I didn't get to go to the mall simply because:

1)My young brother's behavior if he went with us

2)My Mom pulled a muscle and she's in pain.

So, I'm screwed and for almost the whole day I felt miserable, how typical is that? I thinking now that I shouldn't spend the money in the mall at all. I may use it for on-line shopping, because I seriously need to shop for something really important, so that might be it.

Apr. 27th, 2007


God has heard my call, YES. I'M SAVED!!!

I just found out my schedule for next week thanks to my mom. I'm off on Sunday. I can go to the outlet mall then. I'm so happy right now. Things have changed for me and now I feel great.

I'm screwed!! This sucks.

I didn't get to go to the outlet mall and there were no fucking thunderstorms yet. I was thinking of going to see the movie The Condemned, but I changed my mind. My mom's going food shopping and I'm here with my brother waiting for dinner. I hope I'm off on Sunday, that will probably be the day I could go. Until then, I suffer at home with nothing much to do at all.

Apr. 24th, 2007

Goku, Vegeta

This woman is CRAZY, so crazy she got me in trouble last week.

Ok, lets review, last week this rude old lady told me off at my job because I used my gloves to bag her stuff. The glove were used to do returns and for pushing carts. She asked me about them and I told her and she was being an ass and she told me that I don't need to bag her stuff. OK then, bitch. I was pissed off after that and I said something that I shouldn't of said and I couldn't remeber after because I was so mad. I wanted to slap her, hell, I even said it out loud to one of my co-workers and Michelle told me she was crazy. I was talking about that for a while and Kevin reminded us about something I said that I didn't mean. After that night, I forget about it and Saturday, something happened. I said something that I shouldn't have said, but I really didn't mean it. I was pissed off at that old woman.

Ok, let me tell you what happened at my job tonight. This night went by so fast I couldn't believe it. I found out that one of the managers that TJ hates is no longer working there. Yay for him. Oh and I told Kaylee and Michelle that I talked to my grandma today and after my mom got off the phone with her she told me that she said, What's up with me, I sound like I'm White." Oh Sh*t, I started laughing at it and said that I do, I can tell. Kaylee laughed at it and Michelle did as well. I told Michelle that I got on the phone during my break to tell TJ about the manager leaving, and this girl picked up, I asked for TJ, and she says he fucking me right now. I was laughing so hard. Michelle was surprised at that. I called him later that night to tell the good news. Oh and my friend Mike: the guy that has some pimples on his face, he encountered that rude old lady that pissed me off last week and she gave him a piece of paper and after he read it, he told me told read and I did. This is what it said:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Oh . . . . . my . . . fucking . . . . GOD. I was on the floor laughing. This was so fucked up. That was the inslut of the week. Mike was played out. That Shit was so wrong. Damn, Michelle was right, she is crazy. I showed it to her and she cracked up laughing. She say that made her day a little better. I even showed it to Pan and she thought that was funny. He said if she was a guy instead of an old woman, he would punch her in the face. Then he said that he gonna blow up the store with me. Hell to the no, don't put me in this shit. I then encounter her at the last Isle, Mike was there and he said right near her, "Hey, lets blow up the store", I was like, NO and I walked away quickly. I told Pan and Michelle about it and they said I hope no one heard it. At the end of my shift, Mike got a write up for stepping on a customer behind him by accident and for saying that he would blow up the store. OMG, what a night.

Apr. 16th, 2007


Spider-man and some other things in life.

Been a while since I updated but you know now that I'm still alive, lol. This past week I've been seeing a whole lot of Spider-man trailers and the latest one amazed me. I plan to go see it when it comes out, but I would really like to see it on I-MAX. If it's not possible, then I'll go see it at the regular movie theater, psst. Other than that, I've been feeling a little weak yesterday when I was working. I thought about what TJ said about being single. I don't feel happy right now about that. He's happy about it, but I'm not. The only way that I can accept it is being in a actual relationship for a long period of time. That is probably the best way I can think of doing it. I'll be in college very soon so I'll see what happens from there. I'm thinking about a bachelors degree, but I would have to go to a 4 year college, which I will do soon. I'm going to be in a two year college first. I'm glad that my best friend will be there. It'll take less of the boredom of things. I'm going to do something that I don't usually do at a regular basis, I'm going to be less quiet. I'm going to talk to people more and meet new friends. I promise not to be tempted into any drugs or drinking to that matter, I don't do neither. If I get asked out, I'll make sure that she's not crazy first. I just want to be clear on that. I don't want to end up suffering like my friend did when he was dating a py . . . . . . . . ummmmm, No comment. 

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